Throwback Post: Grief.

Today's throwback post is dedicated to my main squeeze- my daddy. 

Today makes 14 years since I lost him. Much to my surprise, most of the shows I’ve been watching for enjoyment over the last 9 months or so have dealt with grief in some way. Majority are exploring the loss of a parent and, obviously, that subject hits a lil' different for me and others who have experienced it. 

Since I’ve been in this space of reflection, I was thinking about if I ever really grieved the loss of my father at 19 years old, but it’s like there was a fire lit under me to really get into it as I watched the kids on All American and All American Homecoming rally around their friends to support them through such a tough time. Even going to the funeral, sending check-in texts and pushing back when their response is “I’m fine” just to be sure it’s true and I can’t help but to think how I didn’t get that. 

I recognize that I have to give grace to the friends in my life who never experienced that kind of loss and may have also struggled with how to support someone through it. We were teens and feelings weren’t really something encouraged to talk about as far as I can remember. So in that same breath, I can’t fault people for not showing up for me when I never communicated how I needed them to. 

Of course in hindsight I’m aware of a few things that I shouldn't have done-- one being me returning to school that August and two was avoiding what happened. I should’ve taken time to properly process how my life changed in just 3 short months, but instead I chose to ignore it. I couldn't even get into the type of support I needed if I couldn't even acknowledge that I needed it. 

As someone who's a self-diagnosed avoidant personality, I've realized recently that this is exactly how I've been getting by in life. Avoiding topics and other things because to sit in those feelings might be a bit rough for me. I think I've mentioned before how my dad said to me while I was back home Spring Break, that "life goes on". I sobbed so loudly then, but he was right.  It's funny how the one thing in life that's guaranteed is also the one no one is ever really ready to accept or process. While we shed the tears of memories from the past and future memories we hoped to create with our parents, the world around us all just keeps on moving. 

What I've learned in these 14 years though is that, for me, the sadness never really goes away. You kind of just learn to live with it and be grateful for the memories made. I'm off to dig in my Photobucket archives for more pics of me and my daddy in the 2000's, but here's a couple more throwbacks for ya.

Well, that's all for now. Byeee!